Holding a newborn in my arms, I remember crying to my mother that it wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be a single mom to two boys. I wasn't supposed to be divorced. My family wasn't supposed to be in shambles. My husband wasn't supposed to be out there, wherever he was, apart from me, apart from the life we had built together. Not when I had prayed so hard and asked so nicely, and had all the faith that Heavenly Father was going to fix this and fix us, and we'd continue being married forever and living in all the happiness I ever wanted. That kind of faith fixes things, it generates miracles. But my miracle of a fixed marriage and together family didn't come.
Instead, my heart healed, a day at a time. What seemed impossible to recover from became easier to bear, a little at a time. My children still laughed and brought joy into my heart. I still loved God even though I wondered at what I mistook as His absence or indifference to my situation. I was surrounded by family and friends and happiness and realized that life could go on, even though it went on differently than I had anticipated or planned out.
Then I met my husband, Jacob, we married, and I learned something about Heavenly Father. I learned that He had something better for me ahead. That all those prayers that I had prayed WERE answered, and that He gave me something more than I had hoped for. Eight years being married to Jacob, and I stand in awe at the goodness of God and His wisdom. I look at this man that I get to spend my days with, and oh, how grateful I am that THIS is the man I'm married to. THIS was the answer to all those prayers I prayed. When I imagined that God stood by in apathetic silence, He was working His miracles, pouring out His goodness, bringing me my sweet Jacob. Jeffrey R. Holland said, "You can have what you want, or you can have something better." God gave me something better, and I never stop thanking Him for that.
I didn't see how good God was that until the "better" came, though. If God is good, is He not ALWAYS good? Sometimes the "whys" go unanswered for a time. Sometimes we have to wait for the "why" to manifest itself, and then we remember that God is good. But I want to remember that when I don't know the "why". I want to remember that in the middle of the pain, in the middle of uncertainty and changes, in the middle of loss, in the middle of suffering, in the middle of the darkness. I want to know then as much as I'll know later that God is so very good, and He is always good. I want to remember that when everything is falling apart, God will help me build something better.
What we don't see now is that there is ALWAYS goodness ahead. There is always a brighter hope, a fuller joy, the sun breaking through the clouds, a miracle. We may not know His time frame or comprehend His ways, but they are the better ways. I know that just as I thank Him for my sweet Jacob, I'll thank Him for His goodness in every situation. For God is good all the time. And all the time God is good.
